Observing Germans

Franz, Get Used to It!

You Pay for Their Service:  Germany is a highly modern country with industries and businesses that lead the world in total export dollar volume. One of the many reasons why this country’s business is so successful may well be that if you want to reach any companies – brother, you pay through the nose. No matter why you want to reach a company for information, you pay. Okay, they are forced to warn you, but before you know it, spending five minutes with a customer service person will cost you – up to $8 or almost $2 a minute. And if you were put on hold, the money clock was ticking, too. Only recently did the government stop that insane practice. But still, companies that want to sell you something will charge you up front to talk with them. Go figure.

Locker Room Silence:  Germans talk a lot. But not in the locker room and not if they don’t personally know you. Most peculiar. I go to my fitness studio three times a week and as I open the door for someone or spend time in the tight spaces of the locker room, not a word is said. People don’t acknowledge that you just did something for them, they are silent and rush past you. In a park, you pass a couple – and not a word of hello or anything. Silence. In America, you would naturally address anybody meeting up with you in public, especially when there is nobody else near. Not in Germany. Silence. Oh, and if you hold open a door for someone at the Fitness studio, they pass you, in silence. Not a whisper of “thanks”.

Talk Show Madness:  Germans love TV talk shows. But are they different here. I am used to the excellent shows a Charlie Rose produces with important politicians, artists, authors. One on one, for half an hour or longer. Not in Germany. The typical shows will have six or eight or more persons sitting around on chairs with the moderator flailing about trying to get a word in edgewise, but often failing. No talk show, only the occasional news story, will have a single guest who gets grilled by a well informed host. Where is the Charlie Rose of Germany?

Parking Spaces:  A peculiar habit of car-crazy Germany, at least as observed in Berlin over and over, is parking cars in this congested city in the most indifferent manner. In a space that should fit, say, four cars, drivers first to that space will park wherever they arrive. They do not, generally, make space for the other cars that may be wanting to park later, they just leave their car where they stop. The sense of precision Germans inherit in their cradle apparently does not carry into their driving age. Maybe drivers are taking revenge for the incredible tight and poorly organized parking garages in town that make getting in and out of a space extremely difficult.

TV Programs, Whenever:  I like to record programs on our Tivo-like recorder, of course. But most of the time, except with programs I get on CNN or Bloomberg or BBC, German programs are most casually scheduled, with the result that they start 10 or 15 minutes late; we miss the endings of our favorite “Tatort” programs, the crime series Germany loves, or those of the endless documentaries that highlight Germany’s ancient or recent history. In the U.S., programs are nano-second accurately transmitted – because advertisers want an account for every time fraction. Not here, even with programs that have commercials.

German Humor (oxymoron):  Okay, I am spoiled by Jay Leno, David Letterman – and the many other American funny men that frequent the airwaves. No such personalities have emerged in Germany. Yes, there are numerous “comedians” but none have managed to establish a national tradition. They simply appear occasionally in this or that show. Pretty good political humor can be found on stage in small theaters in Berlin and other larger cities. But the typical TV comedian uses make-up that will include a red nose bulb, hair that sticks out yard, baggy pants, funny hats, etc., etc. And there usually two or more such comedians who engage in hair-pulling, nose-tweaking “humor”. George Carlin of Germany, where are you?